It’s been three weeks since I set this space up. I want to use it to get things out of my head and in to the open. But ironically, the secrets stay stuck inside of me. And even more ironic, this doesn’t reveal the real me…it’s just disclosure in secret. Secrets. Everywhere. I hate secrets. They represent darkness, isolation, hurt, and fear to me. All things I want so desperately to gain freedom from.

I’ve lived in a world too painful to ever tell. I’ve lived with relationships too hurtful and humiliating and shameful to ever show their reality. I’ve lived in darkness for as long as I can remember and sometimes not even knowing that the darkness was even there. I’ve been lied to, betrayed, abused, rejected, and misled. I’ve been taught that my worth and ability to be loved lies within earning it, being controlled, manipulated, agreeable, or looking a certain way.

The person I thought I was has crumbled all around me into a big messy heap and exposed more of who I feel I really am sometimes. I’ve been hiding…wearing a mask of strength, steadiness, perfection, and order. But underneath I really just feel weak, damaged, used, insecure, uncertain, and like a failure.

I need freedom from the hurt. I need life returned to me. I need air in my lungs. I want to believe that I’m ok. But I feel like I can’t breathe.

God? Where are You?? Why so much ugliness? Why so much pain? Why so much confusion? Why so much loneliness? Why so much fear inside of me that even You don’t love me like You say You do? I’m fighting to follow You and bask in Your grace and glory but the darkness sits inside and holds on to me like a prisoner held in place by chains…

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23 thoughts on “Gasping For Air…

  1. Well done for publishing your first post, which incidentally is so well written ๐Ÿ™‚ I do identify a lot with your feelings although I am further ahead in my mental health recovery. I need to reassure you that things will not always be as terrible as they are currently. I have been depressed for so much of my life then had a huge PTSD mental health breakdown. When I began blogging I did so under an anonymous name (on a different site) and I spilled out every secret I had. It was so liberating and freeing and has been instrumental in my recovery. Please stick with it. You will get into your stride soon and find your confidence ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ‘ Lottie

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      1. I want to encourage you as I know how difficult writing a new blog is. I have only been blogging a few months myself but it has done me the world of good ๐Ÿ™‚ Lottie. PS. I am about to publish a visitors page on the RRR if you ever want to leave a link to your new blog so other PTSD survivors know how to find you. I’m just writing it now ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. “Iโ€™ve been taught that my worth and ability to be loved lies within earning it, being controlled, manipulated, agreeable, or looking a certain way.” Let’s break out of this, both of us. Seeing it and naming it are big steps in the right direction. The Robert Frost quote at the top of your blog is spot on. Sending you my best. A.

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  3. Thank you for starting your blog. It is brave and it can help with healing. Most people I found on WordPress and who search for those who know, are very understanding and have stories to share, and encouragement and support to give. There is a lot of wisdom among those who have been hurt a lot.

    Hugs,
    Elisabeth

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  4. Oh, I hurt for you and am sad for you. I started blogging a few short months ago and it is a place where I can be real and start to share with others the darkness inside. I hope this will be a safe place for you also to share those secrets and begin to heal.

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  5. Hi, and welcome to the world of blogging. It truly is a healing experience, so I encourage you to continue writing. My whole life I’ve started things and then quit them just as quick, and my blog is the longest “project” I’ve ever worked on. But that’s because I’ve seen the value in it. You’ll get a lot of support and caring here. WordPress is a great platform.

    I can relate so much to what you wrote, and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Just keep breathing and take life (as messed up as it can be) one day at a time. Take good care of yourself (something I fail at most of the time). *hugs*

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  6. Your honest raw emotion is so touching. And painful and sad! I feel you are in a place I lived in and know so well. I am almost ashamed that I can’t really tell you the way out… not really. Blogging, being vulnerable, keeping my heart open, finally showing up all somehow started to bring good things into my life. It wasn’t absent of fear or risk. Quite the opposite. At some point I realized I was going to struggle no matter what. Why not struugle with and for love and friendship and connection. I can’t say I am anywhere near ready to experience or deal with rejection or pain. I just have to believe the right people have and will come and stay. I have no backup plan to lose again. I think this is what faith and love are. I am hoping for the best when I know there are no guarantees. It is painful and frightening. But the alternative of being in isolation is no better. The only difference is that in isolation the outcome is sure… we are alone. I don’t think it can be rushed though. I think it is a process. An ongoing process. You are on your way just by taking these steps to be vulnerable and speak your truth. I hope you feel as proud of yourself as I do of you!

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  7. I started my blog anonymously, also – too afraid that I would be judged by what I wrote there. Shame is insidious, oppressing us long after the abuse is done. I would say, by reading here, that your healing is underway.

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  8. I’m so glad that you commented on my post, so that I’d discover your blog. Your words are such a reflection of what I feel. My counselor recommended early on that I write a blog, and I’ve kept it anonymous even after two years of writing. The friends I’ve met here have been an added perk. They have comforted me when I didn’t feel anyone else was safe. Though I don’t get here as much as I once did I will forever be thankful for this safe haven. You write so eloquently. I hope that you are able to keep it up, because I’d like to read more. I know it’s such a painful journey, but it’s definitely one that leads to healing. Hugs to you!

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  9. This deep. The secrets idea, I mean. My blog is similar kinda…but I’m venting rather about my abusive narcissist husband. I like how you’re doing yours though. It’s deep. It’s touching. It’s so relatable to many people. You’re saying things that many feel and have happened to themselves but are unwilling to admit to themselves or to others. Good job and well written sweetie!

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