I cower in fear in the corner of my mind. I’ve been beaten and battered and twisted and tattered so many times this is my safe place. Stay back. Stay quiet. Don’t feel. Don’t move. It’s too dangerous. I feel trapped…even though I’m not.

Freedom is an elusive thought for me. I don’t even know what it means or what it looks like. How can I know if I even want it? At least here in this corner I know what to expect and I know how it feels and I know how to self soothe. Go out into the world? Run? What are you even talking about?? That’s “crazy talk.” That’s for brave people. Not me. I don’t belong out there. I don’t deserve that.

I’m like a caged animal. I’m not under anyone’s control anymore and my door is open to go out but I can’t. I’m too scared. I’m afraid I’ll be alone…even though I’ve never felt more isolated and as lonely as I do now. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I’m afraid to tell my story and live out in the world free of the pain I’ve been in. It’s terrifying. But I want it SO badly. But I can’t. No one would understand why I walked away. Would anyone even believe me? Everyone else has been trained to see the facade he’s built as well. I would be the crazy one. But no one knows, that right now, I’m already crazy inside my head. Maybe the freedom takes the crazy away. But what if I’m hurt again? I can’t take anymore. I just can’t.

I’m numb. I can’t move. I can’t even get the words so desperately needing release out of that corner of my mind. I pray to God to help me. But does He even hear me?

God? Are you there? HELP! Give me strength to endure my own emotions. Understanding and wisdom to see how you will use this for good. Patience to be still and learn. And love…help me understand your love…your perfect and pure love. I don’t know how to receive it. Father, take my hand. I’m too afraid. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to do. My hurt is deep. My fear is strong. You know this. I need you…

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13 thoughts on “Run Wild, Live Free…

  1. What I find so hard is the stigma attached. Some very close people know what my husband has done….most do not. People think we are a great couple, we suffer when alone.
    WordPress is good, when careful, people can be mean. It is hard to find the middle road when sharing to obtain support. I do not think it is good or helpful to hide the affects and pain of affairs on marriages, spouses and kids. But I also do not buy the stories coming from people who seek the media too much. It is like another reality show. Well, it is not the stuff I want to watch. I got my own reality show at home, and every story is different anyway. I also think that those who share too much…forget that healing is a personal journey.
    Hugs
    E

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I would agree wholeheartedly with all of this. I didn’t really start this with a goal, other than using it as a path for emotional release and maybe help others in the process, but can say with certainty that it is not attention seeking…or even for seeking support…that’s a positive side effect. If it turns into a reality show drama, I will shut it down. Like you said, I have enough of this in my own home. Thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I lived in isolation for many years. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. Being vulnerable enough to keep your heart open I believe will ultimately bring us what we need. I don’t know if you have ever listened to Brené Brown. She has a talk on YouTube called The Power Of Vulnerability. She shared something in either this talk or another one that really impacted me. She stated that it is not possible to shut out the bad emotions without also shutting out joy. This really impacted me because she was right. If we isolate ourselves from all the bad, we also isolate ourselves from the good. I don’t know the ultimate key out of isolation. I am still struggling to get a routine and normalcy back. But I do think that keeping our hearts open is the key to finding good and joy and love and ultimately our way out. This was very powerful and I can relate very much!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Vulnerability is very hard for me. It’s something I need to work on. I have listened to Brené Brown and I love her messages on both vulnerability and empathy. I have two of her books on my reading list and I’m looking forward to reading them. Thank you for your encouraging words and insights. They are helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Do you have a creative outlet other than Secret Keeper, which I’m not putting down. But you say you do keep secrets, and you don’t have to keep any if you have a daily journal (kept well hidden!). I’m lucky in a way. I’m 81 and am keeping no secrets on my blog pages. Nothing to lose, some mutually supporting connections to be made, at a comfortable distance. I did save a lot of energy by deciding early on to live, and not to die, so that’s not something I have to struggle through every now and then. I’m committed to life and whatever learning and experience that has to offer me, tho I’m also a kind of avoidant personality. I look forward to continue following you..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been sketching a little bit here and there as I feel nudged to by my emotions. That has helped some in those moments to transfer things out of my head. I think I am learning that I live with an enormous amount of fear I never knew that I had so even though this is supposed to be my secret outlet, it has still been very reserved. I’m still trying to understand what is happening to me. It’s overwhelming as memories I had no idea were there, and can’t necessarily connect with yet, continue to arise. I do need to find a way to cope and manage as they come. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I appreciate it and your support very much.

      Like

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