A soft white glow surrounds from all sides. I feel myself resting on the bed, my naked body shivering cold. My tiny wrists bound above my head. I writhe in fear and try to cry out but my voice has been stolen. My tongue is dry from the cloth shoved in my mouth. I tried to get away. I’m stunned into silence and stillness. My face burns like fire as my head whips to the side from the force of his hand. I don’t understand what is happening to me. I must have done something terribly wrong.

Daddy stop….please no…Daddy please no….

I don’t like what’s happening. How did I get to this place? Why can’t I move? Is this a dream? The red numbers on the clock gleam behind your arms. You growl with anger and everything begins to fade. All feeling is lost as I see your body tower over mine like a silverback in his protective stance.

Hello? Who is that standing in the doorway…? HELP!!

The numbers on the clock are a blurry mess of red. Hot tears flow as I shiver uncontrollably. The wet sheet sticks to my cheek. My eyes roll further back and I am lost in the trees through the window, surrendered and frozen in time once again…the world fades back to black. She didn’t rescue me.

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24 thoughts on “The Number Red…

  1. It is hard to find words for what happened to you because none are adequate and non have the capacity to make sense to the pain you had to endure. Is it enough to tell you that it is not your fault? Nobody should ever have to experience this horror. I am sorry that you were made to. You perpetrator has loaded himself with a tremendous guilt. The sole responsibility for this terror and torture lies with him.

    I felt a lot of sadness rising in me as I read you post. The world needs to know of the injustice done to you and that nobody can make undone. We need to know because nobody should ever have the excuse to not have seen what has been and what is going on. And everybody should then know that choosing to remain silent is consent with the perpetrator. Knowing means that there is no escape from responsibility an silence mean becoming an active part of creating an environment for abuse, terror and rape.

    Again, I am sorry that you had to endure all this terror done to you. It should never have happened. It is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you but something is terribly wrong with your perpetrator and with the society that created and environment for your perpetrator to feel save enough to commit his crime.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Everything in me wanted to save you as I read your words! My soul too was screaming for you “No, stop!!! How do you ever reconcile this… from the hands of those who were to love you most? He who was to protect you? My heart cries for you then… it cries for you now!!! I am so terribly sorry for the torture you had to endure then. And for the heartache you must experience now! I am so sorry!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Make no mistake about it, you were tortured! I can relate to your feelings of being disconnected from what happened to you. You certainly have a lot to process! I am so sorry for all that happened to you!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. And I am outraged for you that your mother stood by silently and did nothing! You are worthy of love and care and protection! The message this must have left inside your tiny heart is unfathomable! Please know there is something terribly wrong with both of them! You are a beautiful soul!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Omg! I opened this coz red is my fave color… then I read it and as it was getting clear what it was about I felt like getting sick.
    I am so so very sorry for what happened to you… I’m sorry that you had to go thru that. I’m sorry that you feel there was no one to protect you. I’m sorry that you felt that the person that you trusted who was supposed to love and protect you let you down.

    Your past does not define you.
    Move forward. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

    Love & light…

    Namaste!
    ❤ BP

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I second Jens first sentense, plus I’d like to add that not many can truely replicate the feelings you’ve went through unless they’ve been through similar. And I have. So it’s hard for me to say “I’m for for what happened to you” (I feel it, but it’s hard to say it) because I’m furious at what’s happened as the outcome of it to us.
    If you don’t believe me Secret Keeper I’ll share with you only a photo of the monster who’s done the same to me when I was only 6 yrs old.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The abuse would be enough pain, in of itself, but what makes it worse is knowing that someone – someone you trusted, even – saw what was happening, knew what was happening, and decided not to do a damn thing about it. My situation was different, but similar in that way.
    Your writing is beautiful and heartbreaking. Lots of love to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I give So Much credit to those that can publicly speak about this horrific life event. So much bravery you hold!

    So many have endured this dark side.
    And for many it infiltrates into their life for decades to come.
    Never really leaving.
    As life drudges on.

    May you have all you need to shine the beautiful light of love upon your life and know that your life is of value.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh dear…just stumbled on your blog today. How could your mother not do anything?

    I am very sorry.

    I was sexually abused too, and one of the perpetrators was a cousin.

    It is horrific when it is family. It’s like the umbrella pouring the rain in.

    Liked by 1 person

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