Stay alive and die or take my life and die…?

Is there even a reason to stay? These thoughts get louder and louder and louder as the days go on…it’s a fierce battle within…question upon question…and I can’t get the volume to turn down. The pain is intense. I can’t turn it off. I don’t want it anymore. I’m tired. I’m alone. I’m dying inside. It’s slow and agonizing. Torture. This is hell. This must be hell. How do I get out of here?

I find it hard to understand how I will ever be able to escape from this madness in my life. It permeates everything. EVERYTHING. “Keep fighting.” “Keep going.” “You’ve made it this far, don’t give up now.” WHY NOT? What am I even going to gain in this battle I am in? There’s nothing to gain. I have lost so much already and will continue to lose. What is there left to fight for?

I don’t even know how to live a normal life. I don’t even know what normal is. My normal is messed up, twisted, hard, pathetic, exhausting, and hopeless. I’m afraid I won’t even recognize “normal” if it hit me upside the head. And who defines normal anyways? What am I striving for? My whole life others have been defining my normal. Do I have a normal? Do I even get to make that choice ever as to what my idea of normal is and live it out?

I’ve never had choices. I’ve thought I had choices but I’m eventually reminded that what I wanted or desired or felt didn’t matter, only what others wanted of me, that’s all that mattered. That’s the extent of my worth. That’s what I’ve been taught. Over and over and over. I have no say in my life. I never have.

I want my life returned back to me. Is that selfish? I’ve been told I’m selfish when I fight for a voice or want to do what’s right for me. I want to make my own choices and choose what’s best for me. I guess that sounds selfish, but I don’t see how sitting through this agony is best. I don’t see how I’m useful or contributing to this world. I want to go. I want to get out. I want peace. I want quiet. I want the pain to stop. I want the nightmares to end. I just want to sleep. Forever.

I’m not living right now. I’m dying and I’m giving up. I’m going to die anyway. I will die someday. Right? So why not die the way I choose to die? Why go through this torture and live in this hell? Can I at least have that choice in my life? Probably not.


17 thoughts on “The Death Of Me…

  1. This is so hard to read and to feel the depth of your pain. I remember living there where you are and dying inside and I want to tell you something. You are still living in “it.” You are still bound by your past in your present circumstances. You cannot take all of this on while still living it. I hope you can at least

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    1. I hit the Post Comment button on accident and didn’t get to finish, so I will continue here:

      I hope you can at least find some comfort and support here on your blog. And know that you are not alone. And sometimes it is good, instead of asking ourself why we feel the way we do, to ask ourselves why not? In other words, how could you not feel the way you do with all that has happened to you, and with all you are currently facing? You are human and everything you say makes sense and is understandable. You are actually a very wonderful and amazing woman. You just don’t know yet how amazing you are! I believe in you! And I am so very sorry for all the darkness that currently hangs over you. But please know that out of this darkness your light does shine!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I know exactly how you feel. That is where I am. You are not alone. I could have written this post myself. I don’t know the answers I just know we have to find them. We can’t give up and as much as the pull to do just that is there we must fight. I send you my love.

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  3. You are not alone. I don’t know what a “normal” is either. I just know that normal is not what I am. It’s not our choice to be harmed and changed, yet the world decides for us that we should push it down and hide it away. Become like everyone else. We are not like everyone else… We are special, you are special. You survived, and are surviving. Never let them dull your will to survive. That’s one thing they can’t take from you.

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  4. I don’t know what to say reading this blog post. It makes me feel very sad and helpless. By your blog it is easy to perceive you as the wonderful person that you are. And I know your writing leaves this impression with a lot of people who resonate with you, your struggle, your feelings and thoughts. You definitely are not alone and you and all the others need to be heard. If our societies don’t change in acknowleging your pain and in changing accordingly we are all lost.

    I have a suggestion to make out of my own helplessness to find the right words for you. Why don’t you try to collaborate with people with a similar “background”, with people you resonate with when reading their blog. Build a blog that is purly private and find a save place to communicate, exchange thoughts and help each other. If you don’t find yourself to be in the place to do so, maybe you can address somebody else to take the initiative.

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  5. SK I could have written this post.
    For starters, Is there even a reason to stay? YES, YES, YES. I believe I saw in one of your posts or comments to me that you have children or a child. I understand where you are standing and I have to say — YOU are the “functional” emotional strength of your children. You may not know how to proceed in this moment for yourself, BUT you know full well how you don’t want your children to experience their childhood. Give them the gift of your unconditional love while you are gaining strength and working out the details. Maintain appropriate yet open communication with them.
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE — hopefully the validation of that gives you some strength. There are people who understand exactly what you’re going through –you’re not crazy — we support you. No word of a lie I have said that to stay in my situation as it is is emotional suicide for me — I get it. Focus on something other than the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing SK — I know that’s not easy because it permeates EVERYTHING, BUT, if you’re a reader, read whenever you can. I’m a runner and sometimes I am just SO drained but I drag myself and even if it’s not my best workout it’s something I am doing for ME. And what are you going to gain in this battle that you’re in? You’re going to gain YOU! You are going to gain a YOU that experiences unconditional SELF LOVE and that’s going to be new for you because, just like me, you have spent your life focusing on the people around you. If you throw in the towel (YOU BETTER NOT) you will never know the beautiful SK who lives within you.
    You know I am fighting the same battle, only difference seems to be the split from the family dynamic. One day, one hour, one minute at a time — whatever seems doable to you in the moment, no more. I am trying to apply the same logic in my own situation…
    Stay strong, stay focused, stay safe.
    Love those children the way that you know they need to be loved.

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  6. I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings because someone hurt you – just remember they are the ones that should be suffering not you – you did nothing wrong you were an innocent child who was taken advantage of by those who should have protected and loved you. They are the damaged ones, they are the ones who are not normal.

    and truthfully no one is normal that’s just a facade everyone has problems they may not be like your problems but the majority of people are not as “normal” as they appear – it took me a long time to realize that

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  7. Oh my goodness, I feel this so much. I wish there was something I could say to make it better; I know there’s not. Is it okay if I just sit with you in this pain for a while? You can hold my hand, if you want, or we could just sit together, for a while. xx

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  8. I am just now seeing this post. I need to change my settings so that I can get your posts as you post them. Anyway, I hope you read this for I always comment but you never seem to read them. I wish you’d understand that I understand. I know a woman just like you. She shared with me a few deep dark experiences much like yours. And what she told me which is so similar to the abuse that you have been through mirrors so closely. She is a product of incest as well as her father having sexually abused her while her mother and others watched on. She is now suffering in so many ways, it’s just unbelievable. She suffers from dissociation, bipolar, etc. There were more, but our friendship never got that deep because she put a lot of her feelings into very deep, dark poetry. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone hun. What you have been through comes with PTSD’s traumatic effects such as the ones you’re going through right now especially thoughts of suicide. Shit, I think about suicide almost every freaking day However, I can’t even imagine coming to terms with the reality of the abuse that I’ve repressed down deeper. And if I have I’m in some sort of denial and have not come to terms with it yet. Just know that you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can’t seem to get posts on my email any longer. I don’t know what happened. I’m glad I found you. I have known all these feelings you have. In fact, I took sleeping pills only around 2 1/2 years ago. It gets so tiring fighting. It is exhausting and painful. You will get better though, if you can get some counseling and ask God for help. It may take a long time, but it is worth it in the end.

    I can actually say I am happy now. I find my life fulfilling. God did that for me. Talk with him constantly about the way you feel. Also, you are at a place in your life right now where you come first. You must come first. You need healing. Ignore what everyone says – they aren’t psychologists, I presume. Then they don’t know what they are talking about. God bless you.

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  10. @secretkeeper Stay alive and live! Focus on the things in your life that make you smile. Take baby steps forward. Hang in there during the painful difficult moments that break you down. These are the things I tell myself when I wish I was no longer here. There are times that the pain is too much to endure and I just wish I was gone…and it would end. I have been told in time we learn how to better store these painful memories away so that they do not surface often and bring us down. I cannot wait for that day. In the meantime…keep telling yourself it will pass…and hold on…if not for you…for them. This is how I deal with it. x

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