Outside my body is numb. Motionless. Expressionless. But inside my heart is sobbing. It aches. It mourns. It pounds in agony…over and over…like a fist hammering in desperate rhythm when words are trapped inside. With each beat of my heart its blood stained tears pulse and course through my veins and the despair is felt in my entire being.

This feeling has become my norm. It sits on my shoulders and weighs me down. I continually try to lift it off and set it aside but it grabs my hair and wraps its ankles around my back locking itself in place. It’s comfortable up there. It doesn’t want to leave or get down. It just wants to sit. Forever. Looking out at the world it feels like it never belongs in.

We go about our day as one. I pretend I’m strong and perfectly ok and prove to the world my resolve is greater than this weight on my shoulders. But lately, my strength is deteriorating. My shoulders are tense and sore. My back is aching right along with my soul. My smile has faded and my breaths become labored as I fight to stand up straight. My eyes look down and away from the world I feel like I never belong in.

I collapse into bed at the end of my day hoping to find rest and relief. But this feeling, it breathes down my neck, it whispers in my ear, it twists it’s fingers up through my hair and plays with my mind as it tries to go to sleep. It tells me stories of hope in a different world…one I always thought was the darkest path to take. But the lure of something new with no pain to feel, and freedom from it’s weight, soothes my soul.

As I drift off to sleep God sometimes intervenes and untangles the grip my thoughts have on me. I make it to the morning. I try putting on a new outfit that doesn’t coordinate with the yesterdays, but like a monkey trapped in a cage with only one place to go, this feeling climbs up my legs, grabs my shoulders and heaves itself right back up again, twisting and locking his legs, securing itself in place. The weight is felt at once and my heart sobs once again.

My eyes look out to the world and my soul cries out in desperate attempts to get me to run to the freedom this feeling continually whispers about. But the weight is too heavy and I can no longer move. My body goes numb and my fists take form. Someday, they hope to have the strength to pound like my heart, refusing to be in this place anymore. But for now, my eyes look down and away from the world I feel like I never belong in and this feeling looks out from it’s perch as I put on my mask waiting for the day to end once again.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “My Soul Cries Out…

  1. That’s intense. Few of us have the ability to put words to feelings like this. Hearing this spoken helps me remember that around me are many burdened people who deserve to be treated with compassion. I must not forget what it was like to carry such a painful traveling companion.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was very, very hard to read. I actually read it earlier and had to go away and come back again. Just the tags alone are heartbreaking. I just saw A. today and so I am trying to think what she would say to you: You need to honor these feelings and see them as normal for what you have been through. There is NOTHING wrong with you. These feelings are there because of the trauma and because you have PTSD. You are still trying to cope and survive. I wish so much I could take all of this pain away from you. You are NOT alone. I get everything you are saying here, and I certainly can feel your pain!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. No, you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal for what you have realized. God is, “..,the God of all hope.” You can hope for happiness to come. It is waiting there for you, but you have to go through this pain first. Don’t give up hoping for a better tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

    God strengthens me,
    God helps me,
    God holds me up with his right hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This post as I was reading it, reminds me of the movie SHUTTER. I was visualizing the imagery so well as I read. It gave me chills to invision this…dark hovering entity on your back, never letting go, never releasing you from the weight of it’s strain on you.
    If you happen to watch the movie SHUTTER, forward it all the way to the VERY LAST SCENE and you’ll see what I’m talking about…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s