I’m losing all ability to stay in control. My mind is racing and I’m questioning everything about myself. I used to like who I was. Completely in control and confident in myself and my roles. I was an amazing wife who kept a beautiful home. I was told I was a great mother over and over, that I ran a tight ship and my kids were so well behaved and polite and smart. I wasn’t afraid of paving my own path and doing my own thing and bucking the system here or there to prove I could be different from where I came from. I was proud of who I was.

I didn’t know what was lurking inside of me. I didn’t know I was a fraud and a fake. I didn’t know I was a shell around a ticking time bomb of dysfunction. I didn’t know that really, I was just like them. I have made mistakes. I have done horrible things. I think I have destroyed people’s lives for the sake of trying to save my own. I didn’t know my actions were because I so desperately needed to be seen and be loved. No one stopped me and told me they cared. I was told to just conform and let it all go. They looked the other way. And now, they don’t even look at me at all.

I didn’t know I would become the greatest burden I never wanted to be. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to keep it together. I didn’t know I wasn’t fit to be a good mother. I didn’t know I wasn’t good enough to keep my husband faithful. I didn’t know I wasn’t worth the time or effort to be loved and honored and cared for. I didn’t know feelings weren’t acceptable. I didn’t know I would be so rejected. I didn’t know my brain would fail me and deceive me. I didn’t know my heart would either. I didn’t know!

If I had known, I would have never brought children into this world. I would have never gotten married. I would have never adopted another child. I would have never tried to confront those who have hurt me. I would have never attempted to heal. I would have never become the burden that I am right now. I would have never allowed myself to lose control.

I didn’t know I was weak. I didn’t know I wasn’t worth anything. I didn’t know I didn’t matter. I didn’t know I couldn’t be different. I didn’t know I couldn’t be better. I didn’t know I was invisible. I didn’t know I couldn’t endure. I didn’t know I couldn’t be me and everything else they wanted me to be. I didn’t know I would need to be known. I didn’t know I needed to be listened to. I didn’t know I needed to be loved. I just didn’t know…and now that I know, I feel like the burden I never wanted to be.

37 thoughts on “Burdens…”

      3. That’s good to hear. I always like to check with those I follow and who comment on my blog when I don’t hear from them for awhile. Unfortunately, sometimes the very worst can happen with those who struggle like we do.

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  4. i think that a lot of us have the same feelings, and it’s a lot to do with the fairy tale we’ve been fed about how life is supposed to be.

    we are told that we can have it all, and that everything will be perfect. we can have it all, but most of it will be far from perfect. and trying hard to make it perfect usually ends up making things even worse.

    i’ve gone overseas several times to visit family, and even though they have so much less, they seem so much happier. and i learned a bit every time i visited them.

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  5. they value moments, while we value stuff. stuff is really just a burden, and becomes more so over time. and a growing pile of stuff increases the burdens incrementally.

    i cant comment on some of what you’ve posted, because i don’t know all of the details. but i will say this… the parts about not being important, or that no one cares about you, and all of the stuff like that just isn’t true. that may be how you feel, and the feelings are real, but there are people who care.

    you just need to let them.

    You Are Not Alone

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  9. Whoa! This is the deepest thing I’ve ever read. It was like with every “I didn’t know” I could feel your emotions swelling and getting louder and louder in my head. If I had known everything I know now, I wouldn’t have put (what feels like) my burdens on anyone else either, especially my only child. I totally feel you, girl…

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  10. I’m sure that you’re a good mother, but I also know for a fact that those like us who have been abused over compensate for the lack of love that we received when we were younger. So it’s like we have a need to “over mother” our own children. Or try to hard to protect them. I think I tried too hard which may have backfired on me. How are your children did they turn out okay?

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    1. Yes, you are so right. My children are pretty amazing all things considered, but as I am navigating through this I’m feeling like I am failing them as I retreat into myself sometimes or slack in areas I used to be very attentive in…but I’m also learning to give them more space as they grow and mature. So maybe it’s not as bad as I feel it is sometimes. I don’t know. Time will tell, I guess.

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      1. I don’t know you but you sound like you’re very self aware, in tune with your emotions whether good or bad. You just tend to over think. I bet you’re a wonderful mum! They’re proud of you I’m sure!!

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  11. I used to tell my therapist I should have become a nun. I felt I shouldn’t have had children too. I didn’t know I was so messed up either. But, my children are glad to be alive. They say I was a good mother. They love me; they are in their forties now.

    I’m glad I didn’t remember my abuse until my children were older. It would have been hard raising them. And yes, I got wrapped up in my own pain when I remembered, and everyone couldn’t believe how I had changed. My daughter said, “I wish you had never remembered.” But I told her I was glad I did because it is always better to know the truth about life.

    One of the hardest things for me was not being understood. No one understanding my pain and craziness. No one wanting me to talk about it. Not being able to share my deepest feelings with anyone but a therapist. And also realizing, “Do I really want them to know how much this hurts? Why upset them?” I remember going to a movie soon after the memories came. I sat through the movie looking down and just thinking and thinking about my father and my childhood. I stared into space constantly and didn’t hear what people said to me. This is trauma.

    You are experiencing deep trauma, but day by day your brain will comes to terms with this trauma. You will have thought about it so much, it will become less painful and frightening. You were used and abused and yet feel bad about yourself and who you are. It is those who abused you who are bad and evil. You are completely innocent. It takes time to believe this but it is true. You are pure, wonderful and holy. You are a Christian too and are covered by the shining righteousness of Jesus, who loves you and died for you so you can live with him forever.

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    1. You couldn’t have expressed more accurately exactly how I’m feeling Belle. You are right. No one understands the pain and craziness going on inside of me. Even I don’t. How can I? I’ve never felt anything until now. I always just moved through life doing what I did not connecting emotionally to any of it. And to tell and reveal what’s happening seems like I would be making myself a burden to others and be needy of attention, which is the last thing that I want. I don’t want to burden anyone. I was told my whole life I was overdramatic and too intense. I carry that into every relationship, it’s engrained very deep. I am changing everyday. I don’t know who I’m becoming and that worries me. I miss the way I was and don’t want to be who I am now. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It is helpful.

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  12. There are times when I have looked back over my life and thought, “If I had known all of this was going to happen, would I have even wanted to go on?” It often fills me with anxiety for the future. Being abused, unloved, abandoned, and neglected always makes us wonder what is wrong with us. My husband is always telling me that you cannot blame yourself for the fact that you have had abusive and unloving people in your life. It is easy to understand that in our mind, but hard to grasp on a feeling level. You are not alone in these feelings, please know that. Discovering all of these things is very traumatic for everyone who has been abused. This is why it is good to take a break from time to time. The fact that you can express all of this is a good sign even though it may not feel that way. This was very powerful and painful to read. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, Blue. And yes, I am constantly wondering what is wrong with me or what I could have done differently to not have been treated the way I have been. It’s hard to not blame myself. I’m trying not to do that, but when the circumstances remain ongoing, it’s very hard to not sit in them and wonder what I’m doing to “deserve” it.

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      1. My husband has never liked me saying that I feel as though something is wrong with me. He didn’t realize that I wasn’t just being negative toward myself, I was crying out for help! You are crying out for help! Be kind to yourself and take all the help you can find! But know that what was done to you was done by people who did NOT DESERVE you!

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  13. Hi there. I’ve only just read this today. You may feel a fake but you are not a fake. Please believe that. I feel a fake and really struggle with this. But we are who we are. We are real. You are real and your emotions are truly real.
    I just hope you found a little better place now? I know we can’t wave a magic want but I hope you have found and do find some moments–little oasis, if you will–some moments that are without such pain.
    Take care now
    Serena

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