In the past weeks my words have been frozen inside of me. I can’t speak, even though my my mind is screaming that it has things to say. When I want to get the words out, I remain silent. I fight an incredible battle inside of myself trying to muster up whatever it is I need to thaw and allow the words to flow freely again. I can’t figure out how. I don’t understand why this is.

My dreams are active and vivid lately, but dark and obscure all at the same time. They’re like blips, or a 30 second trailer for a movie. I feel tension and confusion, pain and fear. They demand my attention regularly. The visions they provide never fade away from my mind like normal dreams do. They haunt and taunt like ghosts when they want to be freed from inside of me…

…A woman, she is standing over me on a catwalk up above. I look upwards, standing frozen and still as she gazes back down at me. There are shadows all around and a curved stairway to my right…

…There are men who surround me in a living room, their laughter and joking banter echo from all angles around me. My mind is curious and cautious all at once, and I stand very still, looking around, and wonder what will happen next…

…I was walking down a hallway that continually darkened the further I went. I walked though a door and entered a dim, concrete room. There was a window past a pile of boxes in front of me that was faded and yellowed. It glowed from behind. There was a man and a woman under a blanket in the corner of the room…

…Candles are burning and trying to talk, but they can’t get their words out. The “mother candle” spoke and said “let’s open the door, that will help…”

My fingers often linger over the keyboard unable to formulate the words I’m trying to translate out of my thoughts. It’s frustrating. It feels like I’m tied up and gagged, or trapped in a cage screaming at the top of my lungs for help over and over and then falling, defeated and exhausted, into a crumpled heap of a mess in the corner when no one hears or rescues me. I’m silenced once again.

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16 thoughts on “Silenced…

  1. Dark dreams are had to live with. They used to haunt me also, but I learned from Joyce Meyer to quote Bible verses out loud and then it goes away and I can feel some peace. When I dream now, I first analyze the dream, what it might teach me, and sometimes I ask God to help me remember it, if he wants me to, so perhaps I can understand myself better.

    I know some dreams are horrifying, especially the first years when memories are surfacing. I think my brain got scared to go to sleep because now I wake with a start the first time I nod off. It is disconcerting. Upsetting. Sheesh. It’s awful. But what can I do? Thank God I don’t have to get up early.

    I pray for you. I pray God will strengthen you through this terrible time of remembrance. I pray his peace will overshadow you. I pray his arms will comfort you.

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    1. Yes, falling asleep is hard for me as well. There are many nights I am wry and wonder what’s ahead for me. Waking with a startle happens to me often when I am nodding off. My heart pounds and I lay wide awake trying to figure it out. It is awful. There are times when all I can do is cry myself back to sleep, just like a child. I didn’t used to have this problem. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and your prayers. They are very appreciated.

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  2. This is very painful. Before I started medication, I used to have disturbing dreams and nightmares, and awake out of my sleep crying. I still have some disturbing experiences that I will write about sometime. Our brains never stop working when we are sleeping. I am sorry you are struggling so!

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    1. My dreams have been active and vivid again lately. I believe they are bits of information that have been stuck inside for a long time. None of them make sense on their own but I record them and hope that they are a piece to fit somewhere to help me understand something else. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I hate them and how I awake from them, too. The fear and distress they bring with them is disturbing. When I can get the words out, it does help to write them out.

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      1. Ever since I started taking medication, I try to write every day (I don’t always accomplish it) about how I am feeling etc. For awhile I stopped having dreams and nightmares. But I would wake out of my sleep from my whole body shaking with a feeling as though I was falling. And also I would cry out in my sleep and it would wake me. I didn’t have any memory of dreams from them, but assumed unconsciously my mind must be working out something. Then about a week ago I had a nightmare that I kept waking up from and going back to sleep only to keep having the same nightmare over and over again. My husband said he heard me crying in my sleep a few days ago. This was interesting as I was very emotional that day without memory of my dreams. We have started to touch on difficult things in therapy and now I just want to hide away and withdraw. Yes, I do think writing out our dreams and nightmares can be helpful. They have messages in them that can be helpful. I am sorry you are struggling in this way. Are you still going to therapy to have a place to process all of this?

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      2. I have cried out in my sleep as well and my husband tells me what I say and do. I don’t remember what I was dreaming though in those instances either. I am still seeing my therapist and I have begun to share some again, but there is a lot I haven’t shared with him yet. I don’t know why. I want to but it stays stuck inside of me. The pressure is building up, though, and I’m struggling to stay afloat. I just need an escape. It’s like I’m frozen in time on the outside but it’s a crazy unbelievable mess of a tornado on the inside. I can’t articulate it for some reason.

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    1. Yes, I have. It’s a refreshing, no nonsense approach she preaches. Thank you for sharing about it with me. I think in any situation of abuse it’s good to look at the situation through those no nonsense, no excuse lenses. It’s very hard for those of us who have been abused to do that though, but it has been very good for me to look at things from that perspective.

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  3. I don’t know your life story, but your final paragraph captures precisely the experience of childhood abuse. Dreams are the brain’s way of processing memories. Because of their nature, traumatic memories are not properly processed. They remain vivid. There is now a form of therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Backed by scientific research, the approach has proven helpful for some people w/ PTSD. It requires a trained practitioner, but does not take as long as talk therapy. Wishing you health and happiness, A. ❤

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  4. I’m so sorry you know this feeling. My dreams have been so vivid and graphic lately. I have heard about EMDR from a few people. Have you tried this type of therapy? I have heard from a few people that it was not a good experience for them.

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