There are explosions going on inside my head. They are deafening. They are debilitating. They are unbelievably frightening. I don’t know what’s happening to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I was fine and feeling relatively calm. I had worked really hard to stabilize myself over the past month and then a switch flipped and chaos erupted and I can no longer distract myself away from it.

…I see my little body standing like a statue, staring at a young girl hanging from a tree. The men are all there but no one is helping her.

…A woman stands over me in a dark, shadowy room as I stand again, frozen, staring up at her. Lights flash and I hear clicking sounds.

…My wrists are strapped to a chair and there is movement and noise behind me as someone tells me “‘this is going to hurt.” A needle moves towards my arm.

…Men stand all around me and they talk and laugh as I am laying on my back. My head is repeatedly banged against the hard surface I am laying on.

…I feel my body fly backwards and the sound of glass shattering all around me sends chills throughout my body.

…I run frantically out of the woods, breathing hard as I try to escape the stampede and shouts I hear closing in on me from behind. I fall and everything goes dark.

…There is water crashing up against the window and seeping through the cracks as I panic with no way to escape.

…The girl with dark hair stares back at me expressionless and still. Her leg is shredded and bloody and the man takes me away to a cold, dark building.

What is this? What does any of this even mean? Fragments of terror all over the place. Nothing makes sense. It can’t be real. This. can. not. be. real. What is wrong with me?? I have completely lost my mind. My body is distressed. My heart is forever pounding. I cannot sleep. I am confused and afraid. SO afraid.

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8 thoughts on “The Chaos of My Mind…

  1. Whoa! Deeper than deep. Makes me wonder why our thoughts, dreams or nightmares even have to have a meaning anymore??? Is it our conscience running wild? Is it the devil playng tricks on us trying to drive us insane?…

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  2. This sounds beyond terrifying. I don’t know what to say. It must be beyond painful to feel these feelings in your body. Support is here; I hope you also have outside support (maybe a psychiatrist?) to help. Have you started a new medication recently? Not to minimize your experience, I just know that Cymbalta gave me severe nightmares. Xx

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    1. Thanks Lily, yes, I’m working through all this with a therapist. I’m not taking any medication, though. I almost wish I had that to blame it all on. I’m so sorry you had that experience with more severe nightmares. That must have been very frightening for you.

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  3. Thank you. Only one of these things was an actual dream, the dream was about water surrounding me with no way to escape. I have had this type of dream before. The rest I experienced while I was awake. I have drawn images of some things as well. I have shared it all with my therapist and he is helping me.

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  4. I have this too, fragments of terror that don’t seem to belong to any complete picture. My therapist pointed out that when you have memories, or pieces of them, from childhood, you don’t experience them from your adult perspective. You experience them with the helplessness and confusion of the child you were. So the adult you are can learn to show love and compassion to the child inside that is remembering.
    It’s not so easy to learn to do, I am finding. Just know you aren’t alone, it’s a trauma thing. I related immediately to your words.
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience and what you have learned through your own process. No it is not easy at all. I am so sorry you have had experiences that enable you to relate to this. It helps though to know there are others who understand.

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