I’m feeling something. I’ve been feeling something for many days. I don’t know what it is. I’ve thought about it and I can’t figure it out. I’m antsy and restless, agitated. I’m in a daze. Everything around me is fuzzy and unclear. I feel like I am in pieces. Thoughts and images are scattered everywhere. I’m fragmented. Numb. I say those words and they feel like the right descriptions, yet, I don’t exactly know what they mean or what they are describing. I’m just…I don’t know…

I sat with my therapist last night for the first time in 10 days. It was a weirdly excruciating ten days for me. I don’t know why. I was thinking a lot. I fought hard the feelings of dependency that have been creeping in. I told myself over and over that I’m fine, I can manage the overwhelm I was feeling, and figure it out. He’s my guide, not my lifeline. I can’t depend on or need him outside of my scheduled sessions. I try very hard to just be and sit in whatever I am experiencing until I can process with him again. But this time, I couldn’t. It was too long of a space in between. Too much happened. I had remembered too much and felt too many things and despite my awareness that this was happening and all the steps I took in the meantime to prevent complete overwhelm and shut down, I froze. Right there. With him.

It started out fine. I was able to talk about some things that were weighing on me but then he moved on and said something I don’t even remember and I switched. Complete shutdown. And the rest of the session I sat there listening to him talk to me about how this is real and I’m not making it up or lying, but unable to talk back or ague my side. Physically incapable. Too many emotions or thoughts, feeling unsafe maybe, I don’t even know, sent me into a frozen state. And there I sat for the rest of the session. My mind was so full it was empty. It all cancelled the other out. So many emotions equalled no emotion at all. I left feeling like an epic failure because I couldn’t pull out of it and afraid to ever go back because I never want to experience that or have it happen again. I failed on so many levels for myself and for him. I wasted his time. I wasted my money. I wasted an opportunity for me to move towards something…understanding, healing, decompression, just the opportunity to TALK…

Our time was up and I realized he had tried for an additional 30 minutes to pull me out of this. I was praying that God would just interrupt, show up for me just this once, please, and make him end the session, because I couldn’t. But instead I heard my therapist say “I’m not budging. I want to hear what you have to say. What are you thinking?” Thanks, God. I was feeling so tired and flustered and out of control. I wanted to talk. I wanted to say every thought rolling through my brain but I couldn’t find the words. And eventually they were so muddled together I couldn’t even find the thoughts anymore. I finally mustered I had nothing to say and then again that I was tired and then again that I had to go, at which point he finally said “OK.”

I went to my car and drove away, stunned and angry and relieved and sad and flustered and numb all at once. I stayed away from home until after 1am. I just sat and thought about the evening. I tried to figure out what is happening with me. I tried to understand. I sat in complete dark and silence for a very long time hoping something would come to me. I wanted to scream and cry and run away and even just die but nothing would come out. I was feeling that something again.

I now realize I’ve felt this before. This something. It eventually turned into a feeling of impending doom. I knew there was something bigger lurking inside of me about to come out…and it did. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to cope. I’m stuck in that land between. That world where I want it out and to know, but at the same time, please just go away and let me be! I don’t know how to pack things away anymore. I’ve lost that skill. I can grasp it for a little while and have normal hours…sometimes days…where I feel ok and under control. But it’s persistent and it comes back and taps my shoulder. I shudder, my eyes afraid to look. Are the ghosts of my past lurking back there? There’s something waiting to be seen. I feel it…I feel…something.

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10 thoughts on “Something…

  1. I don’t know what is happening. I can guess that something big is coming – memories that are deep inside. I’m sure your therapist understands. If something horrible comes to your mind and you are full of panic or an urge to commit suicide, call 911 and go to a hospital. Get immediate help. Don’t wait.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This has happened before and you got through it. It is confusing and hurts, but it will move past you. If you need help talking, print what you wrote here and hand it to your therapist. You didn’t waste time or money, you demonstrated what you are going through. He will be thinking about the session just like you are.
    I know this feeling, too. About to remember something I don’t want to deal with. I am so sorry. Hugs for you.
    M.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I get so exhausted feeling exactly what you describe here. I know how much strength and courage it takes to live this way. And i know how much its sucks to have to use that courage and strength so often. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I get very scared when I feel that way. I have felt it. I will tell my husband I feel like something awful is coming, a memory or something just terrible. It doesn’t always happen. Usually I am just over stimulated and hypervigilant and my nervous system is too activated and I have to shut it all down. I can’t differentiate between what is going on unless I shut it all down. This happened yesterday. Shut myself in my room and was alone for awhile until I could just check in with myself and see what was going on. I also had a week with out facebook a few day without email. A few days without social media at all. No input coming in and that helped.
    Thinking about you and I’m really sorry you are going through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I finally had the time to sit and read this – – there have been a lot of times in therapy where I will shut down and nothing comes out no matter how hard I try. I feel that impending doom come over me and then I am silenced through the whole session. its been a while since that has happened, but my therapist is usually really good about helping me move out of those harder moments. But I so get what that feels like and how horrible it feels, especially when you leave session feeling like you didn’t get to be or talk about what you wanted to talk about … its HARD! how many times do you see your therapist a week? I see mine twice a week, 2 hours on tuesday and then 90 min on Friday … It used to be 3 times a week, but I just took away my Monday Sessions … now I am down to 2…. anyways just wanted to share that I know what this feels like … I hope that you can connect back to yourself again …

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can totally relate. And look at all the comments left here from others who have felt the same. It is absolutely horrible. But it never lasts. By sharing this you are touching the lives of others, thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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