I feel nothing, I hear nothing. My arms are tied. My legs are tied. The room is dark. My body unclothed. My fingers linger and pause…afraid to say more.
“This isn’t real. Your imagination is wild and evil. Move on. Forgot about this. Move on. Don’t move your mind back into this space. You will fall apart. You are fake. Nothing ever happened to you…”
My body is overloaded with something. Feelings? Fear? Disgust? Shame? What is this? I’ve been fine for months. I’ve settled myself down. I’ve reclaimed control. Did I? I’m spiraling. I’m falling fast. I’m spinning. I’m sick. I can’t slow things down. Stay numb. Keep it together. There’s nothing going on. Nothing happened. This isn’t real. Do not enter this space in your brain.
My senses are awakening. My body feels cold. It’s trapped. Restrained. Held back. I see the shape of his unclothed body standing over me. I see the dim light. I see the glow of red held high above his head. I cannot scream. I cannot move. I follow the glow in his hand as he moves it towards my body and in between my legs. My mind goes crazy. I writhe in pain. Everything goes dark. I’ve died inside.
My imagination is wild and evil. This could not have happened. The feelings won’t go away. I’m sick and evil. Worthless. Disgusting. Just like they always say…