I’m in a great place of struggle right now. Trauma memories are flooding and they overwhelm me. I don’t understand them and I need someone to talk to…on a daily…hourly…minute to minute basis…not just the three hours a week I have with my therapist. I can’t get it all out even in that amount of time. I shut down. My brain goes wild but my lips become paralyzed. I’m unable to speak what needs to be let out…so many secrets. So much shame. So much guilt. So much regret. So much humiliation. So much hurt. I backs up inside of me.  Some has come out but a lot of it is stuck. I’m afraid to say it out loud. I’m not safe.

My marriage is in trouble. That’s not really a secret. Well, actually it is. No one in my real world life knows of the things my husband has done to me, and with others, except my therapist and a few women in my bible study, who are only somewhat aware and likely now think we have “worked it out” since I’ve stopped talking it about it. I’ve hidden it back away. My husband probably thinks the same thing, since I don’t really fight him much anymore. I don’t really know what he thinks, though. We don’t ever talk about it either. How do you work out the fact that someone betrayed you and rejected you and humiliated you so deeply? How do you?? I don’t know how. So I guess it’s been put away to be ignored. Swept under the rug. The pull I feel to just let it go and go back to what used to be with him is so strong. But when I get close I push him back away, refusing at the last minute to allow him access to my heart…he will never hurt me again. But I need someone to talk to. But I can’t talk to him…there’s no safety with him.

I don’t trust him. I can’t. I try to sometimes. I want to tell him everything that is happening in my head. Everything I have remembered from my past, everything that haunts me, everything that I know for sure happened to me. I want to show him my writings. I want to show him the pictures I have drawn of the images of abuse in my head. I want to every single day. He’s supposed to be the one I can tell. I need his support. I need his love. Yet, I cannot even get myself to love him anymore…and honestly, I refuse to accept any attempt of love on his part…genuine, or not. It’s too dangerous. He’s completely unsafe. I am afraid of him and how he will react…or not react, which makes me feel crazy. He sees me crying sometimes and asks what’s wrong. When I can’t answer he just walks away or changes the subject or leaves me alone. He doesn’t sit it in it with me. He doesn’t wait for me to get the words out. He has no compassion or empathy for me. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t understand and he doesn’t try to. I am a burden to him. He doesn’t have time for me or this process I am in. It’s too uncomfortable for him because it forces him to look at himself and his role in it all.

Sometimes I don’t know if what I am feeling is triggered from childhood trauma or the trauma experienced in my marriage. I sometimes can’t separate it out from each other. That makes me feel crazy, overreactive, and out of control.  It’s all so messed up. I’m messed up. Used. Abused. Traumatized. Worthless. This has been my entire life. Chaotic. Terrifying. Overwhelming. I need to get out. I want to get out. But I don’t know how. I don’t even know what to move towards. I don’t trust my judgement to make good choices. I have no idea where to go or who to trust. The pull to go is strong. I dream about it. I’m doing things to prepare for it. But when I try to put a picture in my head of what it could all look like I shrink into a crumpled up child who’s curled up in a corner afraid to look and see, to hope for better than this. I turn my head and close my eyes and push the images away. I negotiate with myself that life is not so bad. I don’t want to hurt my children and wreck our family. At least I know what I’m in the middle of. At least I know this. I know how to survive this.

But I’m dying. But I can’t go. I don’t know how.

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Push And Pull…

  1. Oh girl I could have written this myself! I totally get it but have no idea what to say! I can tell you i am proud of you for being honest here if no where else at least you are voicing it here and you are trying to deal with it. You are doing better than you realize.

    Hang in there my betrayed friend sending you much love and many hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your situation, in a way, sounds very similar to mine (if you can remember me being married to a selfish narcissist ) I do feel you and the fear you have of separating from him and the effects it may have on you and your children. The thing is your not thinking of yourself. You’re thinking of everyone else BUT yourself, which is what I did. 😔 I stayed for 17 years because of my son and because of my fear of leaving what I had even though I was dreadfully unhappy being there. I have no advice, but to think of yourself for a change I know you don’t want to hear it or have probably been told that before (i know I had) and honestly I got tired of it because I felt like I was stuck and people just understand how stuck I felt. Its easier said than done to do what people suggest you NEED to do when only you can make that choice when you choose to. I JUST left my husband a year ago. It took courage and I was scared as hell. I even left my son behind, but he had finally turned 17, so I felt it was time. When your finally ready and have had enough, you’ll do what you NEED to do for you and your kids. ~Tai

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I definitely remember your story. Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard and the guilt is overwhelming. I know it would be best for me but it feels so selfish. I have a lot to think about. Thank you for your encouragement and sharing your experience. I really appreciate it.

      Like

      1. Yep, I felt selfish too, especially when it came to leaving or taking my son with me if I had left. Feeling selfish is what made me stay for so many years and it didn’t help that my husband kept reminding me how selfish I was on a daily basis. Being accused of that will make you feel even worse and it really burrows into your brain and cause you to feel like a selfish person in general. It took years and years for therapists and women’s abuse counsellors to convince me that I wasn’t. To be truthful and I know the other women are going to despise me for saying this…but even a year later (now) after my son is 18, my husband has allowed my son to become addicted to drugs, drop out of school, sell drugs, god knows what else, guess how I feel?? I FEEL SELFISH FOR LEAVING. I’m not even gonna lie, hun. That’s why people don’t understand why I don’t give false hope. I just don’t. I can’t because not everything or every situation works out the same as another’s.
        Maybe you’re doing the right thing, maybe you’re not. Maybe your husband will change FOR YOU, maybe he won’t. Maybe he won’t be selfish and think about your feelings for a change, maybe he doesn’t give a damn, or maybe you’ll see all of this (like you already have) and take that fearful leap and believe in yourself, don’t listen to that devil on the other side of your shoulder tell you that your selfish because your not. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Love those kids. Don’t make them suffer. Don’t allow them to see that you’re suffering because they feel it. Mine did. Now, look at him… I should have left sooner…. Please think about them, they absorb things. Things that you wouldn’t imagine that they are.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. this sounds just horrifying. Trying to sort the past from the present and all of the memories and the trauma piled on top of each other. Then to not have a safe place to lay your head. My heart is with you

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Take care, you say you belong to a Bible Group. Do you not talk to God? Talk through all your upsets or let God pick an issue to speak with you. I have been doing this for many years now. Speaking to God sometimes out loud and listen to the advice from God. I have had nobody to talk to for many years about things and some are very personal. God is impartial and objective. No judgments only support.

    I have found taking Valerian has helped me immensely it closes up the emotional scars, relaxes, helps remove depression, melancholy, anxiety and apathy. Take care and many blessings and healing to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do. I do talk to God. Every day. I ask so many questions. I cry. I sit and say nothing and listen and I hear nothing. Silence. Which makes me feel more like I’m doing something wrong. I still find comfort sometimes in knowing I can at least talk to Him but that feeling is fading for me…but I still pursue. I have nothing/no one else. Maybe it’s just not the issue He’s working on right now with me. I wish it was. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I appreciate it very much.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ask What should I do?
        What is my next step?
        What is happening?
        How do I break from this situation?
        Show me step by step how to leave safely?
        Why can’t I hear you God? Please speak up louder!

        Step back and let the answers come. Sometimes we crowd our thoughts and this makes us unable to hear God’s words. Look for signs from God too. Be watchful.

        Bless you dear you are in a big dilemma one which you cannot sweep under the carpet but one that needs careful handling for you to be able to free yourself from it and you will get there. The steps will appear and take them. Do one step a day or follow guidance given for that day complete it knowing you are getting closure to your freedom.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I pray for your peace. As a divorced mom freed from a destructive situation that was bad for my children and myself I can relate to your pain. Sometimes our anxious cries crowd out God’s voice. I have learned and continue to learn that relating to God requires the same process as relating to anyone else. Step 1 is learning his language. His language is the bible. The more you take time to relate the more clear his voice becomes. Sometimes that voice is full silence, but it is full. A silence that embraces. You are in my prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. sending so many hugs. i’m so sorry your husband betrayed you. I feel in my heart for you. your a survivor. always remember that, you’ve been through hell, and you are here, surviving it. more hugs, and lots and lots of love xoxoxoxoxoxo ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Trauma sets us apart. My marriage broke down when I sought therapy. Its damm scarey and this is watershed for you. Hang in dont shame yourself. It takes so much courage for this work and often separates you. There is love for you here too and understanding. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s