I don’t feel like myself. At all. But when I try to identify what’s off and what’s “me” I have no idea either so how can I even feel this way? It’s like I’m floating in an unknown world in my head. Super slow motion. Watching things slowly spin around me as I watch and wonder where I am. Nothing looks familiar but at the same time I know it’s not a place I want to go back to.

Today I was sitting with my therapist and my mind went down a path it has been avoiding for a very long time. I knew it as soon as the images entered my mind and I tried furiously to push it back away. I have been here briefly before. I was screaming and fighting three men who had me restrained. I was kicking and battling, trying to get away. I charged forward, they grabbed me. I dropped my body down and went limp like a toddler throwing a tantrum, they held on, their grip was so tight. I kicked my legs and flailed my body. They growled in my ears and held me tighter as I bucked like a wild bull trapped in a pen. I was trying with everything I could to not go through the doors they were leading me to. They commanded my obedience. I don’t remember what happened after that. It ends with the chaos of this incident.

My mind went from there to solemnly following a woman down a long hallway. I don’t remember what she looked like and there were no words exchanged until we reached our destination. She opened the door and pointed to a pile of neatly folded clothes laying on a bed with a metal frame. The sheet and the clothing were white. There was nothing else in the room except for a metal chair. I was instructed to put them on and sit in the chair next to the bed. I was left alone and went through this routine I feel I am very familiar with. I sat and waited, frozen, not daring to move a muscle. The woman returned and she sat in front of me. She asked me question after question and I had to answer them correctly or else I knew something horrible would happen. She left me alone again.

When she returned she opened the door and motioned me out to the hallway. I followed her to an elevator with a silver door and we went up several floors. I followed her out, turning right down another long hallway. It was brighter than the one below. She stood at a doorway and motioned me in to sit. In front of me were three men. Their faces were very stern and serious. I know these men but I can’t make out their faces in my head. They wore dark suits with white shirts and dark ties. They stared at me as I sat frozen in front of them. The door closed behind me and I was left alone with them. There were two large windows with black frames. One behind the men and one to my left side. The sky was white and there were trees in the distance. I felt very cold.

The man in the middle spoke firmly in what seems like a language I don’t understand but somehow I know exactly what is being said. I am given my instructions and asked more questions. I am to work with the babies. When the mothers give birth the babies are put into a nursery where they are tortured and deprived and trained. I don’t know how I know this or why I just wrote that. My instinct is to delete because I don’t understand it.

Tears are falling as I write but I feel nothing but confusion inside so I don’t understand their purpose. I don’t know what this is. I fear I have a mental illness. All feeling is gone inside of me. Something else has taken over. Something is horribly wrong.

I did tell some of this to my therapist this morning. His reaction was strong and it felt as if he was angry and irritated with me. I felt immense shame for saying anything and an incredible amount of fear for speaking any of it out loud, like something awful was going to happen to me. I haven’t processed this enough to know what it even is. I feel like I don’t have any context for it, yet at the same time, other things fit into it that have never made sense to me before. I don’t know how these things could have even happened. I don’t know how I get to these places with these people. I don’t know who they are. I have no answers other than I am wrong. Something like this just feels like it can’t be real…I would remember. Wouldn’t I? What has taken over my brain? What is happening to me?  Is it even real? Am I sick? Like, literally, have zombies taken over my body and made me into some creature of hate who loves making up stories that isolate and bring me down to my knees or curl me up in a ball in fear? I feel dead. I know no other way to describe it. I am scared. I am worried I’ve lost it and am unfit to parent my children. I am so confused and lonely. I am living in a place in my mind that feels foreign and fuzzy. I’m trying to figure it out. I need help.

 

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14 thoughts on “Zombie Apocalypse…

  1. I think this is an archetypal vision of whst happens to those of us who are different unique or sensitive. I relate to it and have had similar visions.. this is about the feminine and fear of our wholeness in society. I hope this makes sense..I dont believe at all that you are mentallt ill. Big hug ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry for the typos in that, too. I think its also a manifestation of the fear we feel as trauma emerges. We fear being judged or locked up again or overpowered by it. I had a bit of an intense spontaneous off the cuff response to reading your post, SK and I just wanted to add this to my earlier comment. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is only my perspective. I do think we are often silenced when we need to speak of difficult truths and sadly lack of deep understanding of trauma makes us seem ‘crazy’ when really we are carrying wounds. Its a natural fear to have that we wont be fully recieved and be overpowered by those who may rather not deal with the full impact upon us or dont really understand. I hope this makes some sense to you. xo

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  2. A good therapist is like a reflection, helping us see ourselves. To see You, who you really are. His reaction was probably not irritation at you, but empathy. I am struggling with stuff like this right now too, as I do every year at this time. Keep talking, keep writing. Take care of yourself. Whoever hurt you, it’s their crazy, not yours. A big long hug for you, lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi,

    You’re not alone. I know it feels that way right now and although it is only virtually, I want you to know I see you and I can relate to some of what you’re writing.
    I don’t know if you’re up for it, and I don’t even know if this is pushing your limits on what you can handle right now, but maybe it would be beneficial to read the books by Alison miller? I’m not saying something like this happened in your past, but maybe you would find some answers in there.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reaching out and for the book suggestions. I will look into them and maybe have my therapist research them first for me. I am so sorry you can relate to any of this, but I appreciate you saying so. I takes an edge off of the “crazy” I feel sometimes when others share.

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  4. Yes I know that feeling, I could give you the subject(s) the books are about? And then you can decide if you want to explore further or if warning bells go of and then you could just leave it till you’re ready?
    Let me know. I know it’s scary, I know answers can be scary to, or recognition.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. She has written two books, one for survivors it’s called ‘becoming yourself, overcoming mind control and ritual abuse’ and the other one ‘healing the unimaginable’ which is mostly for therapists.
        Sometimes, when reading your posts I can’t help but wonder if maybe you would recognize some of the things she writes about.
        And if you don’t recognize any of it, or it makes you feel weird and afraid, please don’t go down that road, maybe it’s to soon, maybe it doesn’t ‘fit’.
        Take care!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Ive thought a lot more about this. The babies are your inner self how it felt to be young and so small with no one at all to care for or about you.. why oh why did your therapist have this response…surely the meaning of the dream was clear. Original soul abandonment goes so deep we have no way to ‘know’ about it but dreaming self and the body knows and the dream shows this. Take care of yourself. Xox

    Liked by 1 person

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