In the underground rooms there was a young girl like me who I now know was in labor. I was in the room next to her and I heard them through the door say “she is ready.” I could hear she was in pain. I heard footsteps and a door open and close. I know they had left her alone in the room. She cried and she moaned. I got up from my bed and I peered through the door. I saw her laying there alone and afraid, wearing nothing. She rocked back and forth, side to side.

I was sad for her. I knew the pain she was in. I made a dangerous choice and walked through the doors over to her. I talked to her and held her hand. I started to cry with her and I rubbed her belly in an effort to comfort her and soothe her pain. I told her that I hated it when they touched my stomach and asked her if she hated it too and she said yes. We smiled at each other and cried together. She groaned and began to vomit.

A flurry of black and white rushed into the room towards me. I froze while I clung to her hand.  There was yelling and words I could not understand. My head whipped backwards and my body was grabbed from behind.

I can feel the fear of that moment in my throat. I can hear the grunts of my own voice as my body jerked backwards and violently shook. I don’t know what happened after that. The pictures in my head disappear. I never saw her again.

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15 thoughts on “Secret Friendship…

  1. If this was about connecting with parts, then you did it, in a beautiful and compassionate way. That’s inspiring. Thanks. I’m sorry that part was so hurt and scared. What an awful environment ;(

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Mmh interesting. I def related to it on a parts level. It seemed like disconnection of self- trying to soothe, to reach a part who was in memory. The amazing thing I observed is that you have an innate ability (seemingly) to connect with lost parts easily and show compassion. If you do have parts (likely if u come from severe abuse) then this will hold you in good stead x

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  2. I don’t know if this helps or not. My childhood sexual abuse. The abuse itself is gone from my memory mostly. Meaning I have fluid memory leading up to events that were about to take place. Then all I have are flashes. Still frames. A flash of the carpet. Then another of a bed. There is no cohesive fluid memory. My body remembers. It holds a great deal of memory. I asked my long- term therapist that I did 10 years of work with initially about remembering it all. He said that dissociation can occur without having the goal of “re-integration” is not necessary even if I did have DID because as long as all the “parts” are able to communicate, there is no need to homogenize things. He said I will “remember when I am supposed to and not to force things.” I felt good about his answer. He was a PhD in Psychology and a PhD in Divinity and from the Boston area and had worked with complex trauma for the better part of 20 years. He was 55 when I met him.

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    1. That’s exactly how I experience almost all of my memories as well. Just bits and pieces, flashes, and still pictures. Some have fluid parts to them but never the whole story. Sometimes I see them like a movie…like I’m watching myself, and sometimes after processing for awhile (months) more details emerge to connect some of the pieces together, but in the form of more flashes. I know my body holds a lot more than I see in my head. I feel a lot of things and don’t know why. I have a lot of reactions to things I don’t understand. What I wrote about above I remember clear as day. What I don’t know is what happened to me or her after I was discovered and grabbed. That’s where the flashes remain. But I feel the fear. I don’t know how I got there or where exactly I am. I know I have been there before because I see similar things in other memories. As far as DID, I don’t know. It’s something I have read about, think about, and wonder. I understand the likelihood is strong given the circumstances of what I am seeing and expressing. It’s not something I have talked with my therapist about in depth, though. He might have his own opinion and just hasn’t offered it up yet. But maybe it doesn’t really matter? Maybe it does. Maybe it’s different for everyone. I don’t know. Thank you for sharing your experiences and what you have learned. I appreciate it very much.

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      1. In my case, I raised the issue of DID with my therapist because of my history and out of sheer fear I suppose. My therapist’s answer at that time, was the only reason he felt DID would become an issue to any client is if it was impairing their life. For example to be losing chunks of time, not to be able to care for themselves or their children , getting lost, having amnesia where they would suddenly ‘come to’ and not having recollection of where had been, things like that. Since I was not experiencing life in that way, he did not feel that it was necessary to go delving into that specific diagnoses. Although we did discuss that there were different ‘parts’ of me. A fractured cut-off child part somewhere in me always there watching, but pained that never felt loved, and a rebellious teenage streak that can run through me. He noted that my personality was not as cohesive as others. I believe in the end he was correct. He said in the end I should not get hung up there as I had bigger fish to fry like suicidality and self harm. He was also correct here too. He felt I was better served in treatment at the time by discussing the memories I was experiencing and to treat them as they were coming up, delicately, one at a time. People have opinions.

        Always do what your therapist feels is best for YOU as everything is individualized. xo ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I feel I am similar to you and agree with your therapists mindset around it all. I’ll talk to mine about it. I trust him to be honest with me about his thoughts on it and me. Thank you again for sharing this.

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  3. This is interesting indeed. I had this fear in the pit of my stomach when the grab happened.
    I think you are trying to relate to your fears in some way. You’re stood outside of yourself and gave you boldness, comfort and assurance.
    Then you let yourself watch as you take it’s place. You slit yourself into the fake and original.
    Very interesting indeed.

    Ps check me out… Would love for you to join my new journey on a new series come next week. I hope to hear from you.

    Liked by 2 people

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