Depression is ugly and invasive. It robs you of your sense of self. It makes you feel like a failure. It prevents you from growing and moving forward in your life. It creates feelings of distress and overwhelm. It steals your energy and motivation, leaving you exhausted and unable to move. It scrambles your thoughts, causing confusion. It tells you you are worthless, meaningless, unlovable, and unworthy of anything good. It keeps you stuck in a fog, feeling forever lost and with no hope for  escape or freedom from it’s feelings of oppression and shame.

This is me, stuck in depression. I have fought SO unbelievably hard not to get to this place. I have been here before and I never wanted to return. I have done everything I know and have learned to keep me from landing here again. But depression’s grip is STRONG. It pulls me back whenever I make a move forward. It holds me tight and will not let go of it’s grip. I can’t get free.

I sat curled up in my bathroom this morning sobbing into my knees. My daughter was 10 feet away from me on the other side of the closed door and in that moment I loathed her and her presence because I had to hide what was happening to me. I felt frantic and trapped because today I didn’t have the time or the space to feel this way. I felt confused because ten seconds earlier I was fine. I woke up to her sweet voice say “I woke up Mommy.” I smiled at her and said “Good morning! What should we do today?” I got up to get dressed and everything fell apart in an instant. I don’t know why.

A feeling of heaviness has been culminating inside of me for weeks. I’ve been inundated and flooded with memories from my childhood. I don’t even know what many of them mean or what they are. It’s just a reel of pictures and flashes, feelings and anxiety come and go and pictures of situations that are horrific, ugly, and frightening. I find them unbelievable and have fought hard to ignore and dismiss everything as an overreactive imagination.

But the fog sticks. Then anxiety joins in. And insomnia also decides to hop onto this emotionally distressing train. Full speed ahead, they barrel down the tracks of my life, tossing and turning me, scraping and mauling me as I’m dragged along, bumping and bouncing on the tracks from behind. I don’t want to be in this place anymore. But I can’t keep up, the train is too fast. I’m too tired to run and try to get ahead. I’m too damaged and bruised to move anymore. It’s like quicksand, swallowing me up. I wish the grip would release me. I feel likeI have lost control. I feel like I can’t be helped. I feel like I will never be free from this nightmare.

15 thoughts on “Stop the Train…

  1. Sending you love, encouragement and a big hug. At times these trauma memories can seem so overwhelming and I don’t have the answers, but just try to do one little thing to nurture yourself. Trauma makes us feel shame and as though we are to blame but none of this is your fault and you really need a lot of love. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have a therapist? What about anti-depressants? A friend or two, plus some sort of group to join that might offer encouragement are also suggestions.
    That feeling of alone-ness and pain is so hard. Can you reach out to someone? It can be so helpful to unload to a receptive ear. I’m sorry the pain is so heavy. Write if you want,
    The way you protect your daughter is admirable. Your opposing feelings about her are normal and understandable.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel for you. I really do. Not sure if it helps you to know this but I feel the same way about the crying in front of my kids. I had a very similar experience yesterday but it was related to my mom dying. I ran fast into my bedroom but my preschooler was on my heels and found me in bed, bawling. Through my tears I sobbed “who will love me now that she’s gone? She opened the bedroom door and stood there rubbing my head. The part the broke me was her sweet voice saying,”I love you, you’ll be okay.” 💔

    Liked by 1 person

      1. She is sweet. I feel guilty she needed to see me falling apart. But I’ve since pondered that’s part of being human. And…. I’m going to see about an anti-depressant. *Hugs^

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going through the same shit! The depression is kicking my ass! I have no motivation or energy for anything. I should be out enjoying life and some days I can’t even get out of bed even when I try to force myself. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this but nothing I do helps.
    Sending you love, hugs and strength ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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