I’ve been in a highly triggered state recently. Like a constant high state of trigger. It feels intentional. When I vocalize that I am feeling this it seems to get worse. I’m having a really hard time fighting it and getting out and stable. I’m not sure I know how to fight what’s happening to me.

I think I’ve remembered something. I had two voluntary abortions in my early twenty’s, during a time in my life when I thought I was just making bad choices with my boyfriend (now husband) and did not have any conscious memory of my abuse. But the memory of one of these abortions has surfaced today. I’ve always known/thought these babies to have the same father. I wasn’t a promiscuous person. Sex between my boyfriend and I was not frequent. We lived 4 hours away from each other at the time. However, I remember when I went in for the procedure, the nurse told me I was 13 weeks along after performing an ultrasound. I remember being very surprised/shocked by this, as I felt like I knew when this conception took place…8 weeks prior.

I’m wondering now. Was this his baby? Or was it one of the others? This is heavy on my heart. Did I discover a pregnancy before they were able to claim it and use the baby? I feel like such an evil, disgusting, dirty person. I don’t even know the extent of how sexually active my body has been in it’s lifetime. Imagine that. How many more babies are there that I might not remember? Are any of them still alive? Can I save them? I don’t even know how to comprehend and process this…

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9 thoughts on “Mystery Baby…

  1. Remembering more details like that is very difficult to experience and I’m sorry you are feeling so triggered. Take care of yourself gently. You can let the emotions ebb away the same way they flow over you. It doesn’t make you a soiled or bad person. It is the abusers that are soiled and bad.

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  2. Please don’t judge yourself. If so then judge me too, I had six abortions in my days of active drinking. I am not proud of it but I know I did the best I could and at that stage I did not feel mature enough to bring a child into the world. Why judge yourself, you’ll only end up suffering more. Just forgive yourself though I don’t think you honestly did anything wrong just what you needed to do at the time. That said if you can grieve it through then maybe forgiveness will come.

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  3. I’m afraid triggers are going to be a part of our lives forever. I am triggered by almost everything and I empathize with your post. I don’t speak of it but in my book, I do. Some days, it’s difficult to push memories aside…but we must trudge on.

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  4. I know that state were it feels like you are just constantly in ‘reptile brain’ trying to function but inside it feels like you have to run, or die or there is something disastrous coming.
    It is really hard.
    I get the confusion, the not knowing what is true anymore.
    You do have a therapist right? Is he/she able to guide you through this shitstorm or are you handling this on your own?
    I’m sorry for all the hard memories.
    Sometimes I think it’s easier if you know your history from the start. Yes, there will be hard times and yes bad things happened but at least you know what you’re dealing with.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so beautifully written. I can’t imagine the pain you went through… Pain is even worse when it hits us years later. However, you shouldn’t beat yourself up over the past. We’ve all made mistakes so keep a smile on your face and just keep moving forward whether it’s in your relationship, work, life, etc. Best of luck. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

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