I want to divorce my husband. But I don’t know how. I hate him. I hate him to my core. I hate that he’s cheated on me 100’s of times. I hate that he controls me. I hate that he demeans me, manipulates me, and gaslights me. I hate that he rapes me. I hate that he lies to me. I hate when he says he loves me. I hate when he pulls my hair. I hate when he holds me down by my wrists. I hate when he traps me and I can’t get away. I hate that he makes me look unstable and crazy in front of our children. I hate that he makes me look like the monster. I hate that I feel hate.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how I will support myself or my children. I don’t know if my children would hate me if I left him. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to be brave. I don’t know how to have courage. I don’t know how to leave. I don’t know what the future looks like. I don’t know how to know.

I want to forget about my past. I want to forget about the drugs. I want to forget about the needles. I want to forget about the babies. I want to forget about the trees. I want to forget about the cages. And the fires. And the chains. And the cutting. And the screaming. And the crying. And the knives. And the wires. And the lights. I want to forget about the tunnels. I want to forget about the burns. I want to forget about the cold, dark dungeons. I want to forget about the men. And the games. And the tests. And the loneliness. And the tears. And the fear. And the blood. I want to forget about the sex. I want to forget about the touching. I want to forget about the demands. The ropes that tied me up. The things and hands that beat me. I want to forget about the glass. The objects in my body. The machines. The water. I want to forget about what I have done. I want to forget the pain.

How do I escape? Where do I find peace? Who can I trust? When does freedom come? Why can’t I figure this out? What more do I have to do? Where are you God? Why are you silent? Why am I stuck here? What did I do? Is this it for me? A life of control and defeat? I call for you and cry. Nothing. I ask and beg for wisdom. Nothing. I turn to you over and over and over and over again. Yet here I still am. Alone. Confused. Afraid. Still used. Still controlled. Still beaten. Still silenced. Still defeated. Still…me. Nothing.

23 thoughts on “Overwhelm…

  1. This is just agony for you.. Are there any shelters near where to you are? I don’t know the answer but I can feel how untenable this is for you… I just wanted to reach out and say I hear.. to have to pour all of this out and need a response well my heart just aches for you… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is an incredible record of your anguish and pain and hopefully serves to give you strength to take action to leave your husband. God never leaves you. The darkness can be so oppressive it feels that way and you have been so wronged it can be hard to see the light. He is there though. Hang on and keep crying out. I will keep you in my prayers

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  3. I care because I understand from past experience. I thought about you the other day, after finding your blog in the summer, researching the round dance Jesus did spoken of in John’s Vision of the Cross of Light. So know that you were thought of by someone and this means you are connected as we all are. The fight is for souls, you know that. You must persevere. You do not want your children to be sacrificed as you were: yet you weren’t, in a paradoxical way: you are here now in this time which no one can deny is the tribulation. So you have purpose. You are here to save yourself and were chosen (elected) for this. Your husband is the narcissist (you know that too) parasitizing your soul energy, himself a victim and tool of the enemy. You get to break the chains for your own sake, and you matter. You are not nothing: the fact I thought of you the other day proves that, at the very least. You are extremely significant. I was so happy/alarmed by the title to see this post in my email. Do you have the means to leave him? Fearing what children think is like worrying the dog will resent you for training him. recognize that your hesitance in that is from the layers of misinformation and smear campaign the abuser has mounted against your identity. You are under spiritual assault and the goal of it is not going to change: you must leave to save what you entered existence with. THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU ARE THE PRIZE.
    Read Ephesians 6:10-18, Psalms 91, and turn to what you know is true. The trauma systems we were subjected to in the labs were because we are Light. Stay strong, and talk to The Creator. Your family in the Body of Christ is here for you. You are precious and every hair on your head is numbered by Him.

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  4. You are exactly what I was 4 yeArs ago; a slave. That’s how narcissistic husband’s make you feel. LIKE A SLAVE. He can do anything he wants to to you (if you allow it), he can talk to you anyway he feels. He can get on top of you and rape you anytime he wants to. He can gaslight you, leaving you confused as hell. He can treat you like the shit on the bottom of his shoe. Scraping you off like a smelly gunk of dog shit he unawaringly. We are thier slaves. When I think of all the years that I SUFFERED and enured all his treatment, I was literally the character, Whoopie Goldberg was in the movie The Color Purple. All I had ever been to him was his SLAVE. Now, I’m so fucked up mentally that movie producers could make a sequel to the original movie and name it, “My life as a slave.”

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I feel your pain of feeling and being trapped. We as sisters (wives of narcissists) most times; our only out is to write it out. Which is what you’re doing. You’re stronger than you think..

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I was shocked to learn your story. I feel what you have undergone. But please don’t lose your heart, though I know it is easier said than done. Have a faith in yourself. As you have faced such nuisances, I think, you are a courageous person, knowledgeable too. You may take a bold decision after considering pros and cons. Whatever has happened, has happened, now you may lay out a path fro yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m not sure, but you probably can’t hear God because your mind is racing with thousands of thoughts and you are in a panic about your life. I know he loves you. I think you should leave your husband as soon as possible. You will never find peace living with him. Never.

    Perhaps your children will be happy to leave him too. My sister and I both wanted my mom to leave our dad. And even if your kids don’t want you to leave, it would be better for them. I had to leave my first husband because of serial adultery and my oldest daughter was angry. But she got over it and when she became an adult she did not like her father anymore. She found out what a liar he was and still is. I never spoke against him, she just found out on her own.

    You are not helpless, like you were when you were a child. You are a grown woman with strength and intelligence who can make it out in the world. God will supply all your needs day by day. Don’t look far into the future; live one day at a time. I will pray God will protect you from this monster who doesn’t deserve a wife. God is a shield around us, he is our strength and the lifter of our heads. He is a strong tower we can run to and be safe.

    Any other life is better than the one you have right now. May God hold you in his arms.

    Like

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